Flushing, N.Y. -- Citing an “a continuing inability to please the fans, regardless of what we do,” earlier this afternoon, the New York Mets announced the signings of Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens.
Jeff Wilpon, speaking on behalf of the organization, said the following: “Look, it’s clear that we need some pitching and a big bopper. And we just can’t have guys like Nelson Figueroa getting all the cheers, and the rest of the team getting all the boos. It’s really not fair to all our veteran players. And speaking of veterans, we figured, what the hell, we have so many on the team already, we might as well sign some more, and expand our ever-increasing list of players who can potentially spend a great deal of the season on the DL. And, you know, Moises needs company. Plus, since the fans have gotten so attached to booing, we figured, what better players to sign than Bonds and Clemens? Two guys with obviously checkered pasts, and now with all the new stuff going on surrounding Clemens, the fans should have plenty to boo about all season long. We’re just trying to keep our fans happy, you know?”
“Hey, these moves are not only good for the team, but for me, personally,” stated Carlos Delgado, when asked for comment on the signings. “It will take the fans' focus away from me, and if anyone deserves the boos, Bonds and Clemens do,” he snickered.
And, according to the team’s perennial All-Star third baseman, David Wright: “At first, I told them 'don’t do it, don’t do it,' but then I thought, why not? Bonds and Clemens will make quite the additions to the team. For one thing, Mets fans hate them, and for awhile, anyway, all the booing will be directed at those two. And if the fans don’t like it, well, as I have been known to say, 'F the fans!'”
We attempted to interview some of the fans at Shea Stadium but our crew was resoundingly booed off the grounds after having shown up in Carlos Delgado, Aaron Heilman and Scctt Schoeneweis team gear.
(Note: Any resemblance to actual persons is deliberate, and any resemblance to reality is denied.)