Wednesday, April 23, 2008

"Dear Mami And Papi:" A Letter Home From Carlos

Deb’s Note: For years now, Carlos Delgado has had his “little black book;” a book as familiar to Mets fans as are Carlos’ continuing struggles offensively and defensively last year and thus far this year. Did you ever wonder what he writes in that little book? I would imagine he notes his success, or lack thereof, against any particular pitcher, and pitching patterns, and home runs, and strikeouts, or some or all of these. And did you ever wonder, lately, why he’s not consulting the book as much, or writing in it nearly as much as we’ve seen him do in the past? And what if he’s just writing letters home? Like, say, this one, found in his locker sometime during last season:

Dear Mami and Papi:

Hi, it’s your son, Carlos, again, coming to you from that dumpy place they call Shea Stadium. Ay yi yi, mami, they call this a major league park? You gotta see this place! It’s this big round ugly thing painted this bright royal blue color, you know, mami, like that dress you wore to the last Cinco de Mayo….. There are junkyards all over which are full of lots of shiny stuff, most of which I think is car parts, but around here, who knows?

And just try hitting home runs here, madre de dios! It’s enough to make your boy have big, blue nightmares and wake up shaking at night! I don’t know, mami and papi, I’m starting to think that the best thing about this place is that after next year, I won’t be here any more. No more big blue nightmares; no more fans booing poor Carlos…… ah, paradisio! Back to someplace where they love your Carlos, and Carlos can love them back. Nowadays, with the way things are going, I’m afraid they’re going to lynch me or shoot me on the way out of here. And that’s just my teammates I’m talking about!!! Don’t even get me started on the fans…… caramba! That’s a whole different story for another letter home.

We got a couple of new guys. Well one is an old guy (not old, like that Julio Franco they finally got rid of), I mean, old as in he was here before. His name is Marlon Anderson, and he’s got a lot of the Ray Charles thing going on. He’s not blind or anything, but he’s got that smile and he moves his head around kind of like Ray did… if they ever do his bobblehead, they’re going to have lots of trouble getting that head thing right… heh heh heh. And we got this old guy (now this guy IS old, like in the Julio Franco sense) named Jeff Conine, who they call the “Barbarian;” I don’t know, mami and papi, I don’t know if I like playing with a guy who’s a barbarian, I mean, New York is bad enough without adding more barbarians. *Carlos shaking head here*

And then there’s this new guy Lastings Milledge, who nobody understands. *Sigh* KIDS, mami and papi, what can you do? He’s playing good enough, I guess, and last night the only thing that saved your Carlos from more boos was that Lastings looked worse at the plate! So, I guess I like him !

And this bullpen, mami! These guys couldn’t even get me out, which right now, is a pretty easy thing, I have to say. But hey, you know what, mami and papi? I’m still making more money than a small Caribbean nation. So Carlos is still smiling, wide.

The team is still in first place, and Beltran is finally doing something to earn his money. Right now, he’s making your Carlos look bad, but hey, I still have Lastings to make me look better, right? But Beltran is hitting the cover off the ball right now; I’m hoping he gets another one of his “injuries” *rolls eyes* and can’t play anymore, pussy that he is. Hey, check this out – there’s a couple of girls on this new website that call Beltran “Shirley.” Yeah, like a little girlie man, you got it, mami! Ha ha ha…. Yeah, it’s funny, right? So maybe they’ll leave your Carlos a little bit alone… they really don’t seem to like Beltran very much. And psst, mami and papi, I’ll tell you a little secret – neither does your Carlos! And I hear the team is actually thinking of moving me down in the batting order just ‘cause I’m in a little slump because of that pussy Beltran; they want him “protected.” I got some protection for you, pendejo pussy man Beltran! Heh heh heh….

Oh, and that guy Glavine won his 300th game not too long ago. Big deal, right? Yeah, that’s what I think. He’s a pitcher; who cares about them? Everybody knows that hitters are the real men. Right?

Like that Guillermo Mota, ay, mami! He’s the pitching version of your Carlos this year. Yes, mami, he can’t get anybody out, probably not even your Carlos. Which, as I said before, is not too hard right now. Ha ha ha. But he is laughing too, because, you know what, mami and papi? He did a very bad thing last year, and still got a two-year contract from this stupid team, ay yi yi, who says life isn’t funny, eh? So Guillermo is still smiling, wide.

Ok, I gotta go now and take batting practice. Willie (you remember that guy I told you about, our manager? Remember him?) thinks I need it, hrmphf, like he would know, he never hit like your Carlos hit in his entire career! Ay, these managers…. And he was a second baseman…. He just doesn’t understand *shakes head.*

So, bye bye for now, I send you kisses and hugs and love from your Carlos!


GaryG said...

Dear Carlos,

Do the right thing. Go to Omar. Take half the money you are owed and go home and buy a farm and grow vegetables. I could use some tomatoes and basil. Thanks.

PS. I'll buy your first baseman's glove for $2.16. Just send me the link when you post it on e-bay.

Deb said...

Heh heh heh... good one, Gary! Or how about this:

Dear Carlos;

Not much has changed since last year, huh? Same old Carlos. Same tired OLD (old being the operative word there) Carlos.

Find the Geritol quick, or do as Gary suggests.

Thank you.

Love, debmc


Won't he get bored growing tomatoes and basil???

Maybe he could keep an eye on Pedro's Mango Tree for a while?

Deb said...

Or maybe HE can find the bong previously entrusted to Pedro, and which Pedro is now probably bogarting somewhere in the D.R. .... lol.

GaryG said...

Dear Carlos,

Buy your wife flowers. Take her out to dinner. Maybe you can get rejuvenated by well you know. Give it a shot, big guy. Put your big guy to work. Worth a try.

And don't write THAT down in your book. Geesh!


Maybe Arod can introduce him around to some of his "friends"???

Or give Spitzer a call... I'm sure he can send Carlos in the right direction...

tracy said...

This was great, Deb!