Wake The F*ck Up, Jerry....

...and sign that deal before they offer it to someone NOT named Jerry Manuel. I mean, really, what does he think he's going to get? Listen, I like Jerry -- he's fun, he's good with the press, he seems to have a decent rapport with the players -- but the bottom line is, face it -- he's no Joe Torre. Or Lou Piniella. Or Terry Francona. Or even Dusty Baker, whom I loathe, for the record.

I thought today it might be fun to speculate on who we Mets fans would hire as manager if we had our druthers. And man, does saying that date me... but anyway, and assuming I can pick anybody I want whether or not it's realistic or feasible or logical, here are some of my choices.

Paul O'Neill, for one. Yes, the hated Met killer Paul O'Neill, who has often said that the single greatest thrill of his career was beating the Mets in the 2000 World Series. That Paul O'Neill, the one who hated, I mean, HATED, making an out. Any out. Any time. Any game. That Paul O'Neill, one of the biggest modern-day gamers I've seen lately.

And right now, he's sitting in the YES broadcast booth/studio, probably scratching his ass, thinking maybe he can still play, maybe he can contribute... and he can. Only I propose he do it for the Mets.

Or maybe Lee Mazzilli. Yeah, I think he's a prick. A dude with a 'tude. A guy who won't give a shit who likes him, or who doesn't. He has that New York kind of arrogance and belief in himself that the Mets sorely lack.

And face it, folks, we gotta get him out of the studio. His strange facial expressions and inappropriate grimaces have led me and DingoMets to nickname him "Yankenstein" in the past, in fact. So it's a win-win; he wakes up the Mets, and we get him and his Yankenstein act out of the studio.

Or how about the first manager by committee team? We can get Jerry, who's fun, gangsta, good with the press, liked by players, to be the kind of fun guy, the press dude, the daddy dude. Then we can put either O'Neill or Mazzilli out there to be the tough guy, the henchman, the straight and narrow guy. And then, maybe we can get Bobby Valentine (yikes! did I just suggest B.V. anywhere near the team? I hated him when he was Mets manager, didn't I? DIDN'T I?) But Deb, hear yourself out. For Bobby V is nothing if not a baseball head, a geek of a sorts, in some ways, an innovator and a maverick, and if we take all three, we have something pretty close to what the Mets need in a manager.

Kind of brings to mind the mythical hydra, the seven-headed monster, and although we've only put faces on three of the heads, I figure that the four extra heads leave room at the top in case anybody really fucks up. Or, if we give Omar Minaya a head and Buck Showalter a head (yep, I'm still on the Show Me Showalter for GM bandwagon), we still have two available heads in case as I said, somebody fucks up...

OR... simply hire one woman, since, after all, the women of the world are used to wearing and juggling so many hats...

I like it, I really like it.